Oh how crazy the last 24 hours have been. We got a call from Joni last night around 8:30 that she wanted me and Derek to meet her after Derek got off work at 10. We found out they had a birthmom deliver a baby boy at 33 wks 6 days on Saturday. So he was in NICU at a hospital in Toledo (about 2 1/2 hrs away). We met them at 10 and saw pics. He was so little and so pitiful w/ his tubes and stuff. The birthmom is currently married but working on getting a divorce. Her husband is not the father of the baby but because she is married, the state of ohio still considers him the father even though he is not the biological father (if that makes sense). They had been waiting for him to sign over his rights before they notified us. Well, he signed everything over so we were good to go. We were so excited! They agreed we could go meet him this morning. We originally had said we wanted a full Caucasian infant, but have always felt pressure from the agency to go w/ bi-racial. They did inform us that the birthmom was 1/4th hispanic, which would mean the baby is 1/8th hispanic. The pictures showed he had black hair but we thought that was about it.

After getting little sleep and driving to Toledo we arrived in the NICU to see our new potential son. Me and Derek always thought we would be overwhelmed when the time came to see our baby, but it was insane. Scared, nervous, anxious and sad were emotions that overcame us, but a few emotions seemed to be lacking. Excitement and happiness were the two major ones that were lacking. We stood there looking at him, this beautiful baby boy, in an incubator w/ tubes, missing parents, desiring a family and love. For some reason, we weren't happy. We were asked if we wanted to hold him and we both said no, not at that time. We sat and talked and something didn't feel right. I thought maybe we were scared because he was a premie, tiny, and had tubes. Or maybe it because he looked very hispanic, as oppose to 1/8th hispanic. It's hard to explain, and some of you may never understand,but we both knew this little bundle of joy was not our child. Luckily we both felt the same and had eachothers support.

I felt overwhelmed at that point. This wasn't how I planned for things to happen. I talked and texted friends and family the night before and the morning of letting them know that we were going to see our son. How was it possible to go from being so excited to being so confused? It just didn't make sense. We decided to go for a walk and ended up in the cafeteria. I think the rush of emotions caused me to feel nauseous, which i thought was hunger. After barely picking at the food I realized it wasn't hunger, it was just from all the emotions running through my head. Derek of course told me my eyes looked like Christmas trees from crying (my eyes get really green when I cry and the white part looks kinda red... rather amusing). I tried to hold back some of the tears but just felt so bad for this little boy that just wants a home and a family. When we were standing there Derek was talking to the nurse and the little boy opened his eyes and looked at us standing there. I'm not sure I will ever forget that look. I saw his eyes watering and I'm not sure if they were watering because of him being a premie or if he was crying because he could feel that we were not the ones meant for him.

I know we made the right decision in my heart, and another family will have their dreams come true today, but it doesn't make the situation any easier. We want a child so bad but didn't feel right taking a child because we felt bad for him. We should be taking a child because it feels right and is meant to be. Telling the agency was difficult. I only got out a few words before I started crying, so lucky-for-me Derek was able to tell them how we felt. They apologized and felt bad. We both know they are trying really hard to find us a child and as much as they wanted this child to be ours, this little boy wasn't. I found a quote from the Bible this morning that helps me keep trucking on:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Hold on tight... :o)

On the 11th, we received a text from Molly. She advised me that the agency has had a good week, with 2 new potential birthmoms, with 1 that matches our criteria. I feel like I have heard a similar text or email from her before. We've talked about going to an attorney or searching for another adoption agency to go through. We don't seem to get excited when hearing from Molly and Joni because it's the same 'ole same 'ole. After talking to them about their lack of communication, they did good for about 3 weeks, sending a text or email every week. Then she went about 2 1/2 weeks before sending another update. Seems like they are back to their same 'ole ways. It is hard to walk away from them because we have so much already invested. I sent an email to another agency called Adoption by Gentle Care. A friend of my sister's went through them and has 2 children. I may try children's services also. We'll see...