Well, we have started IVF. Throughout the last few weeks I have been on multiple medications to assist my body in producing multiple eggs at once. The egg retrieval was successful on Thursday and my body produced 20 eggs. After a thorough evaluation on Fri, we found that 9 eggs were immature and unable to be fertilized. Out of the remaining 11, 1 egg did not fertilize, and 1 egg developed abnormal. Therefore, we are left with 9 successfully fertilized eggs. Which is great :o) As of today, the eggs are developing normally and growing great. 2 eggs will be implanted back inside of me on Tuesday (11/22). On Dec 1st, I will be able to take a blood work test to determine if I am pregnant. It has been a crazy road but things are looking good. Please keep your fingers and toes crossed... prayers are good too! :o)

"This is your life. It is what you make of it. Do what you love, and do it often. Make time for what is important to you. If you don’t like something, change it. Nothing is easy. The greater the sacrifice, the greater the reward. Open your mind, arms, and heart to new things and people, you could be happily surprised. Life is about the people you meet and the memories you create with them. Also remember, some opportunities only come once; seize them. Life is short."

With that being said. Nothing has progressed with the adoption. In fact, the agency does not really keep in touch with us. Therefore, we are going to try InVitro Fertilization. Fingers crossed.

Wow... it sure has been a while since I have written anything. Not much has been going on with the agency since we turned down baby boy taylor. The agency sent us our $5000 that we over paid back to us. Kinda makes us feel as though they have given up on us. We haven't given up yet on conceiving our own child. Found out recently that the infertility treatments have been working. So exciting! It's crazy because so many people around us are currently pregnant. I look forward to the weird stuff, lol... I look forward to gaining weight and getting a belly. I look forward to the morning sickness and swollen feet. I look forward to staying up all night and a fussy baby. I know these things will be difficult but will all be worth it. With these things comes kissing boo-boos and making them feel better. With these things comes being santa clause, the tooth fairy and the easter bunny. With these things comes teaching your child how to catch a fish and helping with homework. There are sooo many things that I look forward to that I can't wait til we get to be parents :o)

Oh how crazy the last 24 hours have been. We got a call from Joni last night around 8:30 that she wanted me and Derek to meet her after Derek got off work at 10. We found out they had a birthmom deliver a baby boy at 33 wks 6 days on Saturday. So he was in NICU at a hospital in Toledo (about 2 1/2 hrs away). We met them at 10 and saw pics. He was so little and so pitiful w/ his tubes and stuff. The birthmom is currently married but working on getting a divorce. Her husband is not the father of the baby but because she is married, the state of ohio still considers him the father even though he is not the biological father (if that makes sense). They had been waiting for him to sign over his rights before they notified us. Well, he signed everything over so we were good to go. We were so excited! They agreed we could go meet him this morning. We originally had said we wanted a full Caucasian infant, but have always felt pressure from the agency to go w/ bi-racial. They did inform us that the birthmom was 1/4th hispanic, which would mean the baby is 1/8th hispanic. The pictures showed he had black hair but we thought that was about it.

After getting little sleep and driving to Toledo we arrived in the NICU to see our new potential son. Me and Derek always thought we would be overwhelmed when the time came to see our baby, but it was insane. Scared, nervous, anxious and sad were emotions that overcame us, but a few emotions seemed to be lacking. Excitement and happiness were the two major ones that were lacking. We stood there looking at him, this beautiful baby boy, in an incubator w/ tubes, missing parents, desiring a family and love. For some reason, we weren't happy. We were asked if we wanted to hold him and we both said no, not at that time. We sat and talked and something didn't feel right. I thought maybe we were scared because he was a premie, tiny, and had tubes. Or maybe it because he looked very hispanic, as oppose to 1/8th hispanic. It's hard to explain, and some of you may never understand,but we both knew this little bundle of joy was not our child. Luckily we both felt the same and had eachothers support.

I felt overwhelmed at that point. This wasn't how I planned for things to happen. I talked and texted friends and family the night before and the morning of letting them know that we were going to see our son. How was it possible to go from being so excited to being so confused? It just didn't make sense. We decided to go for a walk and ended up in the cafeteria. I think the rush of emotions caused me to feel nauseous, which i thought was hunger. After barely picking at the food I realized it wasn't hunger, it was just from all the emotions running through my head. Derek of course told me my eyes looked like Christmas trees from crying (my eyes get really green when I cry and the white part looks kinda red... rather amusing). I tried to hold back some of the tears but just felt so bad for this little boy that just wants a home and a family. When we were standing there Derek was talking to the nurse and the little boy opened his eyes and looked at us standing there. I'm not sure I will ever forget that look. I saw his eyes watering and I'm not sure if they were watering because of him being a premie or if he was crying because he could feel that we were not the ones meant for him.

I know we made the right decision in my heart, and another family will have their dreams come true today, but it doesn't make the situation any easier. We want a child so bad but didn't feel right taking a child because we felt bad for him. We should be taking a child because it feels right and is meant to be. Telling the agency was difficult. I only got out a few words before I started crying, so lucky-for-me Derek was able to tell them how we felt. They apologized and felt bad. We both know they are trying really hard to find us a child and as much as they wanted this child to be ours, this little boy wasn't. I found a quote from the Bible this morning that helps me keep trucking on:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Hold on tight... :o)

On the 11th, we received a text from Molly. She advised me that the agency has had a good week, with 2 new potential birthmoms, with 1 that matches our criteria. I feel like I have heard a similar text or email from her before. We've talked about going to an attorney or searching for another adoption agency to go through. We don't seem to get excited when hearing from Molly and Joni because it's the same 'ole same 'ole. After talking to them about their lack of communication, they did good for about 3 weeks, sending a text or email every week. Then she went about 2 1/2 weeks before sending another update. Seems like they are back to their same 'ole ways. It is hard to walk away from them because we have so much already invested. I sent an email to another agency called Adoption by Gentle Care. A friend of my sister's went through them and has 2 children. I may try children's services also. We'll see...

Well last night we got our update from Molly. They met w/ Amanda on Wednesday but she was not ready to look at any profiles. Guess a friend of a friend has talked to Amanda about adopting her baby. I guess this can be a potentially common thing for birthmoms, though not something that the agency would advocate. The agency did meet 2 new birthmoms this week. One did not meet our criteria and the other does, but unfortunately has a lot of boundaries that need to be addressed before they proceed with introducing her to any families. Still playing the waiting game. It's weird because the waiting does not get any easier, but almost more manageable. I think it's because at the beginning we would get SO excited when we were told about birthmoms. At this point, it's difficult to get excited for fear of a let down. It's hard because I don't want it to take away from the experience when we are chosen. I know we are going to create an adoption story for our child. In this book I want to include our first thoughts, when we first found out, how we were feeling, etc... Hopefully the blog will be able to help us tell our story and remember dates. We will have to express to our child how difficult and challenging it was to wait but how it will all be worth it. I definitely want to get a onesie that says "Totally Worth The Wait" and another one that says "Worth Every Penny" :o)

Well, on Wednesday we got a call from Joni who advised us that Kirsten (the birthmom we were suppose to meet today) decided she wanted to meet another birthmom who chose parenting instead of adoption. Joni did say that there is another birthmom named Amanda who is 100% towards adoption. Joni and Molly are going to show Amanda our photobook on Wednesday and they will let us know what she thinks. I believe they are still going to show our photobook to Kirsten, even though we are not meeting her at this time. Kirsten just isn't sure what direction she wants to go with her child. Joni says she is feeling very positive about Amanda but of course we both still feel guarded. I have to attend 2 baby showers this weekend and have 3 close relatives pregnant. So very excited about each of them, although I did get slightly emotional shopping in Babies R Us for the shower gifts. Needless to say I left the store w/out anything. I did go to Meijer later w/ Derek to buy the shower gifts and was fine. It's amazing how support and comfort from others helps you get through things. I had to get down on my knees last night and pray that He would help us and guide us. I know we cannot do this without Him in our lives.

We met with Molly and Joni on Monday 1/31 at their office. It was a meeting to discuss our feelings and go over what communication changes need to be made (since me and derek haven't been happy with the way things have gone so far). Hopefully things will get better. To be honest, the only way to go is up at this point :o/ I explained to them that several other people have been interested in adoption and I have specifically told them not to go to choice network because of their horrible communication. They of course promised that things will get better. I really hope they do. We also found out that they are working with 21 potential birth moms. Not all these moms meet our criteria but it is nice to know they have some available. We are wanting a Caucasian infant, which means our wait will be longer (but we are completely ok with that). I guess Anna randomly found an adoptive family on her own and Nakita wants to parent (although she has a lot of barriers if she decides to parent, so she's not completely out of the picture). We'll see...

I did get a follow-up email from Molly and Joni on Fri. They just expressed how happy they were that we met and that things are now going in the right direction. I got a phone call from Joni later and she said they are working with a birthmom named Kirsten who is not sure if she wants to place her child up for adoption or not. She currently has a 17 mo old son but is having a girl in June. She is 60% leaning towards adoption and 40% leaning towards keeping the child. We are going to meet her on Friday. Definitely not getting our hopes up, but it's nice to know that she is on the boarder. I feel like we both have a bit of a wall up at this point, so we don't get hurt. Part of me is afraid it may take away from the experience but I think it's a natural reaction. I mentioned to Molly and Joni that it may be helpful for me and Derek to talk to another couple that has been through the same process that we have been through. I'm curious if they have had the same feelings and built the same walls.

Well folks, it is a new year! Fingers and toes are crossed that this year will be better than last year. We feel like we are back to square one. No birthmoms are lined up at this time, so it is back to the waiting game. Joni did ask us to create a photobook through shutterfly so the birthmoms would have something to look at. We already had an adoption profile with pictures and what not, but it was on a piece of paper. Not sure what difference the book makes, but if it increases our chances then we'll do it :o) I am sure it is very difficult for birthmoms to look through a book of families and make the decision to give them the gift of parenting. I hope they realize that we will be the best parents that we can be and give the child as much love as possible. Seems like everyday more and more people are becoming pregnant. I can't wait til the day that we can say, " we too are going to be parents!"

A text was received my Joni on Monday (12/27) that her and Molly met w/ Anna the night before. It appears at this current time that Anna is leaning more towards parenting than adoption. It is definitely a difficult decision for a 16 yr old to make. Her parents are more for the adoption but are not really pushing Anna in that direction. The agency introduced Anna to a few other birthmom's that had chosen adoption for their children as a support system. The agency is going to try to touch base w/ Anna again later this week and then they will discuss the situation with us. Though the news wasn't exactly what we were looking to hear, it was nice that we are finding out now rather than after the baby is born. It is better to find out sooner rather than later.

Well... after still no news w/ Anna, I decided it may be good to get our information from the agency (homestudy, contracts, etc) to review. We really have not been satisfied with our experience with Choice Network. I requested the information from Molly and advised her that we are not transferring to another agency at this time, but want the information for our records. I received an email today from Molly advising she wants to set up a time for me and Derek to meet with her and Joni and discuss our concerns. She is aware we are not happy w/ their lack of communication. It is frustrating because when we talk to Molly it almost feels like she tries to turn things around on us. Her email discussed how other adoptive families have to wait between 24-26 months to receive a Caucasian infant. I contacted Molly & Joni after reading their email and explained to them that we are not planning on transferring agencies at this time but that their communication needs to get better. I explained how difficult it has been on me and derek and how much of a rollercoaster of emotions we have been on since this thing started. We feel as though the agency supports the birthmoms but does not support us. After speaking to Joni, I definitely feel more confident and comfortable about the situation. Joni does an excellent job and is working very hard for us to be matched with a birthmom. They are going to meet with Anna at the end of the week. Hopefully we'll hear something then...

Still no real news, but I figured I would type a message to update. We are hoping to reschedule with Anna in the next week or so. Joni is still confident that Anna is very much excited about the adoption but we can't help but be cautious (due to our track record).

With the holidays around the corner, it is hard not to think about how blessed we are to have a great support system of friends and family. I know that we could not go through this process without the wonderful people in our lives. There are still those that are skeptic and think we should go a different route for starting our family, but the majority are supportive. I had a co-worker get so excited to talk to me on Monday to find out how Friday went. Of course she was bummed to find out that nothing happened on Friday, but it felt good to know that she cared and was thinking about us :o)

I found out another co-worker's wife just found out that she is pregnant. He was scared to tell me, due to our own circumstances and what we've been through... I always find it funny when people are scared or nervous to tell me they are pregnant or their wife is pregnant. If anything... I'm the exact opposite of being angry or mad... I'm excited because them being pregnant indicates they don't have to go through what we are going through. And from a first hand experience, is not easy by any means. I definitely wouldn't wish it on ANYONE. So if it takes another couple a very short amount of time to get pregnant, it makes me happy :o) I explained to him that the only time I get frustrated or bummed out is when I find out about single mom's getting pregnant or those that can't afford the kids they have yet choose to have more kids. Those situations are frustrating to me and sometimes make me wonder "why them and not us?" Other than that... I'm happy for others that are having kids (of course I do have a small jealous bone, but I try to keep it as small as possible ;o)

2/2 :o( Got a text from Joni yesterday that Anna was sick and not going to be able to meet w/ us today. Just our luck. Doesn't seem like anything can go smooth for us. It is definitely frustrating. I guess Anna's mom is still confident she is going through with the adoption but has the flu. With our past history with Nikita, it is hard not to think other things. I guess they were able to measure Anna's baby and she is only around 31 weeks prego. Which means she has more time to meet us and potentially the other adoptive families too. Sometimes we feel as though the agency and these birthmoms only care about themselves and don't realize what they are putting us through. I think of this like a job interview almost. If it was an interview where I really wanted the job, the last thing I would do would be to call and reschedule due to illness :o/

And the rollercoaster has taken off again... so hold on tight! Saturday, 11/27 we got a call from Joni advising us that we were 1 of 3 couples chosen to meet a birthmom that was just introduced to the agency. Anna is her name. She is 16. The birthfather is 18 and a marine currently stationed in Afghanistan. Unsure of the complete details at this time, but apparently Anna was unsure of how far along she was and went into the clinic to have an abortion. She was advised at that time that she had two options: 1.) get ready for a kid in less than 5 weeks or 2.) meet with the on-site adoption agency. She chose adoption and has a very supportive mother, who i believe is encouraging the adoption. It is still unknown exactly how far along she is. They are guessing she is between 34 and 40 weeks prego because when they did the vaginal ultrasound they could only see the head...so she could deliver at any time... CRAZINESS! We got additional information today that we are now the ONLY couple that she is meeting with and as long as she likes us then we are good :o) We are going to meet Anna on Friday and I will update again. Keep those fingers and toes crossed!

It's the day after Thanksgiving. The food and family time were both great. Always nice to get together and hang out and eat a great meal! The holidays always get me thinking... crazy how things will change when we have the little one around. Speaking of which, it has been three weeks and still no word. Keep getting told by the agency to "keep thinking positive thoughts". Definitely easier said than done. I feel like they HAVE to know SOMETHING. I just wonder what they are not telling us or what they are holding back. Personally I feel like I have lost most of the excitement because I feel like Nikita has changed her mind and its only a matter of time before we get the call. I probably won't even be upset because I have already prepared myself for the call. Everything happens for a reason. It kinda sucks when people ask me how things are going and what the status is... because I don't know. I pretty much tell them that a baby is suppose to be due Feb 14th but we don't know if we are still matched with her or not. I guess I just don't understand how they do not know anything at all. I feel like both are not looking at the situation from our perspective and what we are going through. I understand that Nikita is probably going through a lot, but atleast have enough respect for us to keep us in the loop and let us know what's going on and how she feels. If she is changing her mind, let us know. The waiting continues...

Welp, unfortunately we don't have a lot of news to report. The agency advised that Nikita hasn't backed out of the adoption or changed her mind, but it appears she has kinda pushed the agency away some. Therefore, this has resulted in little updates or contact between the agency and Nikita. According to the agency, this can be part of the grieving process and isn't necessarily uncommon. Still frustrating for us, but we do understand that it can be difficult. Since things haven't felt right the last two weeks or so, we don't feel as bothered by the situation as we would have if this came from no where. It's never going to be easy but we would rather her change her mind now than to change her mind after the baby is born. At this point, we haven't pushed the agency for information since we realize that once information is given we will be notified. We definitely don't want to push Nikita any farther away either.

We realize everything happens for a reason and God has a plan. Many people don't understand what it's like or how emotionally challenging and draining the process can be. We really feel like we are on a roller coaster. However, it is interesting to see different peoples reactions when they find out that we're adopting. Some are excited to hear about the process and to get updates. Others ask "why?" or suggest different options. To be honest, it is different for everyone. Everyone has their own opinions or views and that doesn't make one way right or wrong. Some people don't have kids at all where as others try for years and spend thousands on infertility treatments for a miracle baby. Everyone is different, and unless you've been in their shoes... its hard to say how you would react or what decisions you would make. Regardless of anyone's situation, it's important to support them and be by their side no matter what. We are lucky that we have support from our friends and family. Dunno what we'd be like if we were doing this alone...

Oh what a frustrating weekend :o( Unfortunately, to say the least, we have not been very satisfied w/ the agency. After not hearing anything from Joni on Friday I texted her Friday night to see if she was going to call Nikita on Sat... but i didn't hear anything back. So I waited around and called her on Saturday around 1:30pm and left her a voicemail to call me back... but i didn't hear anything back. After not hearing anything on Saturday or anything this morning. Derek finally texted Joni around 4:30 and asked her if she heard anything from Nikita. Joni finally replied that she was going to call Nikita on Monday. So we'll see... I completely understand if Joni wasn't able to get in contact with Nikita or Nikita wasn't feeling very well or up to talking, but at least keep us in the loop and let us know. The communication with the agency has been absolutely horrible. We were both hoping things would change when Joni was going to be the one communicating with us, but I'm starting to think that's not the case. It is frustrating because we've already invested so much time and money, most of which we wouldn't get back. If we left and went to a different agency we would probably be at the bottom of the list and there is no way to guarantee that things would be different... Needless to say, we are very frustrated :o( I knew it wouldn't be easy, but this just sucks

Well... after patiently waiting all night... I got on Facebook and saw that Joni dropped her phone in water, had to get a new phone, and lost all her numbers. Just our luck! So I texted Joni my number and she advised that her and Mollie called Nikita but her uncle answered the phone and stated she was sleeping and not feeling well. She was not taking any visitors or phone calls. So, bottom line... we still don't know the sex of the baby. We may find out today...

Well... its about 5:45 and we still have not heard what gender the baby will be... Ahhh!! The suspense! Maybe we should learn some patience before we have this kid, lol. Last word from Joni was that Nikita had her ultrasound yesterday and we should get updated by today... tick-tock tick-tock... I did talk to Mollie yesterday. I guess Nikita is nervous that we will back out. I had to let her know that we have no intentions on going anywhere or choosing any other birth mom. We do ask a lot of questions, but a lot of that is because we are nervous about being new parents, not because we are nervous about Nikita. It is definitely challenging because the whole adoption process is based on trust. We have to trust that Nikita won't back out and will be healthy and take care of herself. We have to trust that she will release all information she knows about the birth father and how each of her appointments go. I think there will always be a slight fear that she will back out or not tell us something that she feels will make us change our minds. Though I have never been pregnant, I definitely think it's a lot different than giving birth myself. I know I would take good care of myself and do everything the doctors told me to do. I have to trust that Nikita would do the same. And though we have never met Nikita... I also have to trust that the agency knows her well enough to provide us with accurate information... total craziness!! and the anticipation of finding out the gender continues.... sigh...