Well last night we got our update from Molly. They met w/ Amanda on Wednesday but she was not ready to look at any profiles. Guess a friend of a friend has talked to Amanda about adopting her baby. I guess this can be a potentially common thing for birthmoms, though not something that the agency would advocate. The agency did meet 2 new birthmoms this week. One did not meet our criteria and the other does, but unfortunately has a lot of boundaries that need to be addressed before they proceed with introducing her to any families. Still playing the waiting game. It's weird because the waiting does not get any easier, but almost more manageable. I think it's because at the beginning we would get SO excited when we were told about birthmoms. At this point, it's difficult to get excited for fear of a let down. It's hard because I don't want it to take away from the experience when we are chosen. I know we are going to create an adoption story for our child. In this book I want to include our first thoughts, when we first found out, how we were feeling, etc... Hopefully the blog will be able to help us tell our story and remember dates. We will have to express to our child how difficult and challenging it was to wait but how it will all be worth it. I definitely want to get a onesie that says "Totally Worth The Wait" and another one that says "Worth Every Penny" :o)

Well, on Wednesday we got a call from Joni who advised us that Kirsten (the birthmom we were suppose to meet today) decided she wanted to meet another birthmom who chose parenting instead of adoption. Joni did say that there is another birthmom named Amanda who is 100% towards adoption. Joni and Molly are going to show Amanda our photobook on Wednesday and they will let us know what she thinks. I believe they are still going to show our photobook to Kirsten, even though we are not meeting her at this time. Kirsten just isn't sure what direction she wants to go with her child. Joni says she is feeling very positive about Amanda but of course we both still feel guarded. I have to attend 2 baby showers this weekend and have 3 close relatives pregnant. So very excited about each of them, although I did get slightly emotional shopping in Babies R Us for the shower gifts. Needless to say I left the store w/out anything. I did go to Meijer later w/ Derek to buy the shower gifts and was fine. It's amazing how support and comfort from others helps you get through things. I had to get down on my knees last night and pray that He would help us and guide us. I know we cannot do this without Him in our lives.

We met with Molly and Joni on Monday 1/31 at their office. It was a meeting to discuss our feelings and go over what communication changes need to be made (since me and derek haven't been happy with the way things have gone so far). Hopefully things will get better. To be honest, the only way to go is up at this point :o/ I explained to them that several other people have been interested in adoption and I have specifically told them not to go to choice network because of their horrible communication. They of course promised that things will get better. I really hope they do. We also found out that they are working with 21 potential birth moms. Not all these moms meet our criteria but it is nice to know they have some available. We are wanting a Caucasian infant, which means our wait will be longer (but we are completely ok with that). I guess Anna randomly found an adoptive family on her own and Nakita wants to parent (although she has a lot of barriers if she decides to parent, so she's not completely out of the picture). We'll see...

I did get a follow-up email from Molly and Joni on Fri. They just expressed how happy they were that we met and that things are now going in the right direction. I got a phone call from Joni later and she said they are working with a birthmom named Kirsten who is not sure if she wants to place her child up for adoption or not. She currently has a 17 mo old son but is having a girl in June. She is 60% leaning towards adoption and 40% leaning towards keeping the child. We are going to meet her on Friday. Definitely not getting our hopes up, but it's nice to know that she is on the boarder. I feel like we both have a bit of a wall up at this point, so we don't get hurt. Part of me is afraid it may take away from the experience but I think it's a natural reaction. I mentioned to Molly and Joni that it may be helpful for me and Derek to talk to another couple that has been through the same process that we have been through. I'm curious if they have had the same feelings and built the same walls.

Well folks, it is a new year! Fingers and toes are crossed that this year will be better than last year. We feel like we are back to square one. No birthmoms are lined up at this time, so it is back to the waiting game. Joni did ask us to create a photobook through shutterfly so the birthmoms would have something to look at. We already had an adoption profile with pictures and what not, but it was on a piece of paper. Not sure what difference the book makes, but if it increases our chances then we'll do it :o) I am sure it is very difficult for birthmoms to look through a book of families and make the decision to give them the gift of parenting. I hope they realize that we will be the best parents that we can be and give the child as much love as possible. Seems like everyday more and more people are becoming pregnant. I can't wait til the day that we can say, " we too are going to be parents!"

A text was received my Joni on Monday (12/27) that her and Molly met w/ Anna the night before. It appears at this current time that Anna is leaning more towards parenting than adoption. It is definitely a difficult decision for a 16 yr old to make. Her parents are more for the adoption but are not really pushing Anna in that direction. The agency introduced Anna to a few other birthmom's that had chosen adoption for their children as a support system. The agency is going to try to touch base w/ Anna again later this week and then they will discuss the situation with us. Though the news wasn't exactly what we were looking to hear, it was nice that we are finding out now rather than after the baby is born. It is better to find out sooner rather than later.

Well... after still no news w/ Anna, I decided it may be good to get our information from the agency (homestudy, contracts, etc) to review. We really have not been satisfied with our experience with Choice Network. I requested the information from Molly and advised her that we are not transferring to another agency at this time, but want the information for our records. I received an email today from Molly advising she wants to set up a time for me and Derek to meet with her and Joni and discuss our concerns. She is aware we are not happy w/ their lack of communication. It is frustrating because when we talk to Molly it almost feels like she tries to turn things around on us. Her email discussed how other adoptive families have to wait between 24-26 months to receive a Caucasian infant. I contacted Molly & Joni after reading their email and explained to them that we are not planning on transferring agencies at this time but that their communication needs to get better. I explained how difficult it has been on me and derek and how much of a rollercoaster of emotions we have been on since this thing started. We feel as though the agency supports the birthmoms but does not support us. After speaking to Joni, I definitely feel more confident and comfortable about the situation. Joni does an excellent job and is working very hard for us to be matched with a birthmom. They are going to meet with Anna at the end of the week. Hopefully we'll hear something then...

Still no real news, but I figured I would type a message to update. We are hoping to reschedule with Anna in the next week or so. Joni is still confident that Anna is very much excited about the adoption but we can't help but be cautious (due to our track record).

With the holidays around the corner, it is hard not to think about how blessed we are to have a great support system of friends and family. I know that we could not go through this process without the wonderful people in our lives. There are still those that are skeptic and think we should go a different route for starting our family, but the majority are supportive. I had a co-worker get so excited to talk to me on Monday to find out how Friday went. Of course she was bummed to find out that nothing happened on Friday, but it felt good to know that she cared and was thinking about us :o)

I found out another co-worker's wife just found out that she is pregnant. He was scared to tell me, due to our own circumstances and what we've been through... I always find it funny when people are scared or nervous to tell me they are pregnant or their wife is pregnant. If anything... I'm the exact opposite of being angry or mad... I'm excited because them being pregnant indicates they don't have to go through what we are going through. And from a first hand experience, is not easy by any means. I definitely wouldn't wish it on ANYONE. So if it takes another couple a very short amount of time to get pregnant, it makes me happy :o) I explained to him that the only time I get frustrated or bummed out is when I find out about single mom's getting pregnant or those that can't afford the kids they have yet choose to have more kids. Those situations are frustrating to me and sometimes make me wonder "why them and not us?" Other than that... I'm happy for others that are having kids (of course I do have a small jealous bone, but I try to keep it as small as possible ;o)